Have you ever feel so helpless and broke? Like no one understands exactly how you feel that you just end up being alone… For the past months, I’ve been dealing with several shits in my life that I don’t even know what I did wrong to deserve all of these (yes, this is self-pitying). I don’t know why things chose to concur with everything else. And in a bad, parching way.
It started with MOVE. Exhausted and fed up, I ended FY16 with all the capacity and energy I got for the club. I said 5 years were enough. And so I ate my words. I accepted another term because I felt I can still do this. But it seems the universe is telling me “enough”. I tried to bank that things will change for this new FY. I thought wrong. People still didn’t care, were still late, became too arrogant… Felt like only few people exert effort to keep the club intact and to follow its principles. Not to mention disrespectful members. So I thought, I can’t do this anymore. I can no longer work with some MOVE members in a professional way. I have withstood this sentiment for as long as I can remember, and was able to carry on out of my love for the club. However, at this point, it does not feel right anymore to continue bearing up. As a Tech Lead, having this level of perspective already is inapt being the one who primarily leads the club, thus, this calls me to step down. I’m no perfect leader. Who is anyway? So I thought, it’s better to leave few people before your own sanity, dignity, and self-respect leave you.
My romantic affiliation. This was the last thing I thought I would have problem with at a level of being imperiled. I thought everything was sailing smoothly. Yes, we rarely talk. I thought it’s because our relationship was matured enough not to be needy of each other. But he said it was the “overly optimistic way” of looking at our situation. I am optimistic. Because I know this is something that I really want to last. I am willing to adjust, understand, accept, and be patient if those are what it takes to keep us going. After all, we said “We’ll make it work.” And it hurt that he doubted it already for the reason that he feels nothing whenever we don’t talk. He said he was alarmed and not proud about it, but does not do anything about it as well. He is happy every time we are together but absence does not affect him. It damn hurts. It’s like my heart was literally being ripped out of my chest. Am I cursed? Am I really destined to be alone (I am ready though, and he knows)? What the fuck is wrong with me? When I thought I am doing well not picking up fights with him, was he getting bored due to lack of thrill? “You’re a freak girlfriend because you don’t complain.” I did complain. We fought about it several times already, but the resolution did not last for so long. He once said to me before (non-verbatim), “When you’re not sharing, I never saw it as something wrong. That is the difference. I saw it as you so I adjusted.” So when he rarely talks to me, I try to adjust and accept that it might be his personality. After all, how many times have we fought about it? He said he didn’t want to waste my time any longer for a long-term-trial-and-error relationship. But I said, “You are not wasting my time. I love you and I still believe this will work. We’ll still make it work. Once a week of seeing each other is enough. I’ll be more more more patient, but you have to work with me. I can’t do this alone (at least that’s what I think I’ve said if not accurate).” Imagine how much this mind-fucked me. But just because things are hard we are supposed to give up. Unless he no longer loves me, I’ll still put up a good fight.
Unsupportive friends. All these vulnerabilities I’ve been undergoing made me call my friends for SOS. I don’t usually call them all to rant things intentionally. Most of the time, we gather and just freely rant. But seldom did I call them saying “I need you all.” And how fucked things got. Friends had their own commitment and did not show up. Self-pitying, self-pitying, self-pitying… Why are these happening to me? When I was ready to end my day alone, here came two of my friends willing to spend the remaining hours of the day with me. And boy, it was such a relief to vent out. The following day, I told everyone else how upset I was when they bailed on me. I rarely ask them of anything. And whenever they need me, I am always one step advance. I didn’t talk to them for couple of days, they expect that already. They know I need time to lick my wounds.
These things… are so cruel. The fuck I did? Sometimes, I wonder how long I can hold up. How far I can get. Sometimes, I just want to drown myself and get this over with. Lucky for me I only have pale as the best thing that could get me drown.