(recovered entry from one of my first blog sites)

Overthinking has been my problem ever since I gained confidence that I am an intelligent person (not that I am bragging). It has been my routine to scrutinize every detail of, for example, a situation. I feel like if I don’t do that, I’m preparing myself for some kind of trouble that I could have avoided in the first place.

I was never a fan of “go with the flow” bullshit. Yes, I called it bullshit because for me it’s really bullshit. Why would you want to go with the flow if there is a possibility that that flow may lead you somewhere dangerous?

I want things to be in order, planned. I want that by some means, I am aware of what things could turn out. I am kind of scared with surprises especially if they are negative. I never wanted to be caught off-guard on disappointing situations.

I tend to give the negative side of advices because it’s how I prepare for the worst. The worse you expect, the less damage it can do to you.

Paranoid? Yeah, I’m somewhere nearby it.

You see. I’m one hell of a scared entity walking around the surface of earth. I come out as a very intimidating kind of woman. But there are lots of things that I am afraid of as well.

Why do I overthink, really? Because I don’t want to get hurt primarily. You can say that ‘That’s part of life.’ Well yeah. But one way or another, I want to curb the damage that might possibly come my way. I am not very receptive to distress. It gets through my head for a very long time. Like a brain disease.

And the more agony I experience, the more I overthink; the more I become paranoid. The more I protect myself from alike situations.

That’s how my brain cycles. Don’t you find that a little disturbing? Because I do honestly. To make it easier for you to understand, the shallow description for that would be “LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE.”

I want to prove to myself that I’ve learned from my experiences (may they be good or bad) by repeating and even enhancing the good experiences. And by not repeating the same mistake again. I get all that when I make my sensitivities work, and think how to make things happen. Through planning. Overthinking, yes.

But sometimes, overthinking is tiresome, so laborious. I sometimes come to the point that my head is pounding hard while considering.

I consider a lot. Even small details. I think I have developed this curse during my college days. I am very keen on facial expressions, body language, gestures, and the likes. They’re part of how I read a person.

This reading becomes extra profound especially when I find someone who interests me. I want to know if he is also interested with me. Or if the interest he once showed me is for real.

So I think. Analyze. Consider.

Overthinking also creates problems that are not even there. I’ve seen this message on Twitter for so many times already. Yeah, I know, it does create unnecessary problems. It creates ghosts you tend to be afraid of. It produces fear. So many what ifs. So many questions waiting to be answered. Sometimes it makes you sound like a crazy person.

Tell you what. I do not always liked how my brain functions automatically. Most of the time, I cannot control it if it starts to overthink. I know I’m not yet crazy. Not just yet. But overthinking is already like a part of me that operates whenever needed.

It sounds a bit abnormal. But believe me, I’m still normal. Just… An over-thinker. And hey! There are lots of people who do the same. So… I’m just one of them, you see.

There were times when I tried to ignore my gut-feel on things in order to control my overthinking. But every time I do that, I feel like it’s torturing me more because I am depriving myself of the possible protection from unwanted results.

I sometimes pity myself for being so afraid of things. But it was life who gave me those ‘deep’ experiences, which led me as to how I react on upcoming occurrences. Of course, how should I react? As a protective and defensive person. Who would want to leave themselves unprotected and defenseless?

So…

That’s how inconvenient my overthinking is at some point. It kills me on the process. But it’s so much worth it when things get done the way you have foreseen it. And I always love telling myself, “It’s a good thing, I did/did not do that…”

Please don’t be scared of me. That’s just how I deal with things. I, as much as possible, don’t hurt people in the process. I just ask a lot of questions. Like fishing. Sound boarding. The only person being hurt through this course is myself. I’m not a masochist, for London’s sake. That’s just how I teach myself. How I learn from things, people, and situations. It’s a bit harsh, maybe. But it satisfies my capacity to handle things. And satisfies me as a whole.

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