Occasional Loneliness

I’m not always as strong as other people see me. I also have my vulnerabilities. And sometimes, it just randomly spurts. I guess I really need to be reminded that I am still human—capable of being hurt.

And so this week, I saw like N different proposals, anniversaries, or pregnancies… And I thought to myself… will I still have this? Any of these? Will there be a chance that someone would propose to me or that I would celebrate an anniversary with a partner or I would bear a child? At this point in my life, I highly doubt already.

I keep on saying that it’s okay to be alone without a husband nor a child. I would not have someone to argue with, or I do not need to take care of a child (after all, I am not a fan of kids).

Until I feel like I still wanted to have those.

I still wanted someone who would surprise me with flowers and date me on a very nice place…

Who would travel with me, eat with me, and watch movies with me…

A person who would not be shy to hold my hand or kiss me on public, and post on social media about us…

I still wanted to be treated like a princess even how strong I show my facade.

Maybe I really wanted to have a child. After all, I can never tell until I had one.

Maybe I wanted someone to sing lullabies to, dress them up whenever we’re going out, or who would call me ‘Mom’.

Sometimes, all I do is hope. But hope is bringing dilemma to keep me positive or prone to hurt.


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